Wednesday, July 17, 2019

caring wayyyyy too much

Something has been eating at me lately and I can't keep this inside anymore. I know that at times I come off as confident and someone who knows who she is. But there is a truth that lies beyond the outward image I have presented.

I have something to say. 

I CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME!

There I said it.
As much as I have embraced myself and my little quirks and flaws, I am still afraid to be so out about them. There are so many things I want to try but am too afraid of someone else's reaction. I keep a lot of things I like to do to myself because I don't want to deal with the questions and comments. I'd rather just love my thing in peace. Currently, I am a big fan of a cringy app, and I want to make content on that app, but I am too afraid of actually posting because I don't want to be made fun of.

I know it sounds lame and dumb, but that's how I feel. It honestly feels so uncomfortable to look at that sentence and know that's how I feel. I try so hard to steer away from letting myself get caught up in what everyone else is thinking and feeling. I know that my mind id different and work in ways that the "norm" would not approve of. there have been countless times when I can remember I said or did something because I thought it would get people to like me, but it just ended up backfiring because that's not who I am. 

I really want to make friends and have a group of people who I can lean of, and sometimes I just try to go for the fastest and easiest option there is. That option is usually not the best for me. Instead of taking time making connections with people, I just jump into things and become something I'm not for a little while. Eventually who I am comes out, but then that "opportunity" goes away with it.

I want to meet one person who genuinely does not care about other people's opinions. No, really, I want to. I want to know what it's like to not be phased by what the world's thoughts on you are.

Find me person, who has so much self-worth they can let me borrow some, find me.