When I was a sophomore in high school, my friend asked my crush to Sadies. Naturally, my hormonal, depressive self was devastated. I refused to go out of heartbreak. I felt that everyone went, and I was the only one who didn't. Which looking back, that isn't far from the truth, everyone in my friend group went, my younger brother even went. I was just left alone at home, looking at the pictures people posted and shared with me. I cried that night, and I cried a lot. I do believe that I did cry myself a river.
I couldn't even crawl to my bed to wallow in comfort, no I was defenseless against the grief of my self-pity. I was desperate to feel any sort of love. I somehow got myself to look up and scanned the room for any source of it. My room was shared and plain. There wasn't anything special about it. For whatever reason, I decided that night I was going to change that.
I was going to have this room, or at least this half, represent me and my life.
I sent out on my journey, tears in eyes and all. I went photographs I had of friends and family and taped them everywhere on my walls. I ripped out pictures from magazines and the posters that came in teen magazines and threw those on as well. I then found construction paper and wrote some verses from songs I was obsessed with. Finally, I found a corkboard that I was ready to throw out and put even more pictures and cutouts on it. The tacos were all mismatched and some were even broken, but it was perfect. After hammering it onto my wall, my dad came to see what was happening and was surprised with what I completed, surprise, it was a hot mess.
Now that the wall was covered with everything, my eyes were caught on a half-destroyed project. My returned cell project. I was so proud of it, I was a fishbowl my dad and I converting into a 3D version of a cell. It was just thrown beside my bed forgotten, I was bummed to see it there so lonely, to say the least. But then a light bulb popped in my head! I emptied out the bowl and cleaned it out.
I then went through all of my drawers and found some paper and wrote my favorite things on each one. They varied from happy memories to celebrity crushes. I had everything that brought me the slightest amount of joy. Soon the whole bowl was filled.
Seeking shelter in that jar became a religion to me. That jar turned my tears into laughter. I then added and took away from the jar as I got older. It's been well over 5 years and I still have that bowl. But things have changed, I have changed. It doesn't serve the same purpose and all it does now is reserve a spot at the back of my closet. I have gone through so many of my items and tossed them aside and had them leave my life. There are many things that I used to hold bear but now are only space fillers. I have outgrown so many things and now I don't need something to take up space I need space to breathe.
This fishbowl that used to comfort me when I thought no one else could fulfill its end of the bargain. I could not ask more of it. This piece of glass, part of a forgotten project from long ago has served a greater purpose than just that and kept with an unsaid obligation.
Today having this bowl look back at me made my heart light up. I knew it served no purpose with ripped pieces of paper in my room, so I decided to put it in storage. As I was putting it in a box I remembered the night it became what it is today, and realized that the purpose has been fulfilled. Nothing but the feeling of content came over my body.
I came to the conclusion that in order to move on and grow further, it was time to discard the memories left. With each piece of paper, it felt as if I was saying goodbye to an old friend. There were no words that needed to be spoken but instead, just emotions felt. As much as those all mean to mean I have to remember why this bowl was created. I made this because I felt that when I was consumed by sadness, I had no one to turn to, I was ashamed for my feelings. This was my way of coping. Now I have people I can rely on and have much-needed conversations with.
Now I have grown up just a bit, but that bowl has helped my heart heal time and time again, now it is time to move forward and continue to grow.