I constantly set these plans up and really go all out for these ideas, but then forget about the motivation that sparked it all in the first place. I think it's both funny and ridiculous at the same time.
It's funny because I get so crazy into the idea of something and obsess over this new idea. I will research it, find out what I have to do to achieve this goal, I'll even set a plan for it, but for some reason, I never go through with the plan. I will just forget to do it one day and the whole thing falls apart. I don't know why this happens. this is nothing new to me though. My entire life I have hooked on things and loved what I do, but then I hit some sort of speedbump, and no matter how minimal it may be, everything is thrown off and destroyed.
It's ridiculous because the things I get into and am so excited for are things that I stay interested in. for example, I used to be religiously into making youtube videos and writing blog posts, but suddenly it all went away. I still want to do those things, but restarting these passions are so much harder than it was in the first place. I honestly hate myself letting go of things that brought me so much joy. I am constantly brainstorming all of these ideas and so pumped for what is coming, but then when it comes to sitting down and getting it started and worked on and done, nothing happens. All of that motivation and encouragement is just gone.
When it comes to getting started I see something I like and if it's a website, I sign up IMMEDIATELY, (it's kind of ridiculous how sucked in I get) and it gets to the point where I am obsessed with the site for about ten minutes and think of all the possibilities and potential it holds, but once I close that tab or open the next tab, all if that instant love is gone. Then I see the damage that has been done when I open up my email to all these sites that I swear I have never heard of.
For some things I do start, the high of starting it and getting involved in it stays with me for longer than those two se3conds, I fool myself and think that this is what I am going to do. I create a plan and a schedule to do whatever the task is. And like always there's an excuse for why I can't continue. For instance, when it comes to youtube videos, I used to make them from middle school, through high school and even at the beginning of college. I would "act shocked" but I knew that it was possible someone could find everything. When I started college I actually really got into promoting myself on a bunch of different platforms excepts where people I knew in person would see. Literally, the only person who knew anything about this was my so-called best friend. When it came to those videos and even these posts, I worry so much about what others think about me, which is really funny because I actually love to be in the spotlight and have attention on me and be so open and honest it makes people feel something, but when it comes to sharing something like this, I don't know, just the thought of someone who I am even close to scares the crap out of me.
And finishing things always seems to be the hardest out of all of these. Nothing ever seems good enough. I have gone so far as to not turn in a final project for a class because I did not like what I was submitting. this is the one I think I hate myself most for because I somehow got myself to not only start this said project, but I continue it and work on it and get really into it. I feel like this is the part where I let myself down the most. Just writing and thinking about this is really bumming me out. One semester I didn't turn in a final paper but ran into that teacher after and after talking about why I didn't turn in the paper I gave it to him (without any revisions, as he requested). He then gave me the feedback that the paper would have been an A. At first I was feeling like hot shit, I thought the paper was crap, but he would have given me an A?! And then I was crushed when I realized that I would have gotten an A.
When it comes to enemies, I really am my worst...
Sincerly Me,
(kinda) Love Layla Drew