too scared to share

It is only when the lights are low, and the doors are shut when I have learned to truly be myself

For some reason when I first read the quote pictured above, I took it to heart as if I was being told by the universe. "DO WHAT YOU LOVE" I couldn't imagine life any different. there was only one problem, I hadn't quite figured out what that would be. I had to have been in early high school when this quote struck me, nothing in life had stuck out to me yet, but I was determined to find it. There was only one problem that I had, I didn't want to deal with the backlash. What kind of backlash was 14 years old me worried about? I was worried about trying something new, falling in love with it, and failing at it only to embarrass myself at it. Or fall in love with something only to turn my back on it to pick up something else and having people remind me constantly of it. 

Whenever I did fall for something I kept it to myself. I was determined to have nobody know what I was up to unless I was skilled at it. Which with my high standards and low skill level in just about anything was highly unlikely. So with every hobby, I picked up was one less thing I would share about myself. In high school, I loved to write. I would write stupid sappy love poems over boys I never even met. I loved notebooks, I know it's weird but I did. I loved how different everyone can be. I used to love to run to that section of Ross and compare every one of them, from whether they were spiral or bonded to the spacing of the lines to the quality of the paper. These things I loved so much, I could have (and still can) gone on about them for hours, but I never dared to. I was too scared of what other people would say or how they would react. I was never popular, heck I was never close to it, I just didn't want to be made fun of being me. I've already been there and definitely didn't want history repeating itself. 

The fear I had overtook who I was. By keeping things like this to myself, I soon became boring. Honestly, though, I would have taken boring over loser any day, even though I think I captured both. For so long I refused to show who I was to the world. I have kept myself hidden because I was always worried about what the world would say. I kept myself from happiness. I hated how much I've rejected the opportunity to be myself to the world. I'm sure I've written posts before about this but that's because I struggle so much with it. I'm scared to show myself to the world. 

I am now making a promise to myself to no longer put my concern into the hands of those around me. Now is when I do things for me only. Because one thing I have learned I that nobody cares, it's all in my head.