working towards your goal

Earlier today I was looking through my Pinterest feed and found a list called "30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself." I immediately needed to check it out. I read through the list and even the blog post. I really liked it and really thought about each of the things they listed.

I feel like I do, or at least have started doing a lot of these things recently. With me working towards this "new me," I honestly feel ahead of the game when it comes to starting new things. As I read and re-read and absorbed the article I kept thinking, am I really doing these things? Have I really been consciously making an effort to do all of these? And for the most part, I say yes I have. Even now as I'm reading the list, I am thinking of examples and ways that I have been incorporating into my life. 

this has been WEIGHING on me a lot lately

It's no shocker that I am kind of obsessed with the whole concept of discovering myself and being the best version of that, hence the title... But, I focus a lot on the mainly on the personality part of it. That is a good place to start but that is only part of it. I want to become a better person and I am seriously trying every day, but since I've started this journey, there has been something missing. I know that no matter how hard I try or how much progress I've made, something always seems to set me back. No clue what this is, I looked back at a list of changes I wanted to make about myself and who I wanted to be as a person. I have been making progress in a lot of these areas and just think that I haven't, but more than that, I haven't been working on all of them. I have been working only on the ones that were more important or required work when really everything that I am striving towards required just as much time, energy and love as the next.

There is one area I am talking about. This area is the one about my health, more specifically my physical health. Now it is no secret that I am on the bigger size when it comes to my weight. That is actually underestimating that last statement. I am also sure that I am a lot bigger than what I actually am, but when you look at how much weight I have actually gained just in the past two years, it makes me want to cry.

how judgement held me back

I am very guilty of having already set in stone images of someone or something is, and more likely than not, those assumptions are not at all what is being presented. For me, it is easier to just paint a not picture of someone with what little details that I have of them and use that to define what I don't know. As harsh as that sounds, it helps me from opening up to someone who I think would just reject or dismiss me. and sometimes, it sucks to know that the reason why I feel like people don't feel like coming up to me or befriending me is that I'm being judged when it is really me building a wall to keep myself from going out.

I am the only who is holding myself back when it comes getting to know people, and letting them be a part of my life. I blame the push back on those who have hurt me before. There have been a million times over when I have heard "Just because they hurt you doesn't mean that you should hold that against the next person." I, myself, have said that countless time to friends who worry about their s/o. It's hardest to take the most common and simplest advice.