how judgement held me back

I am very guilty of having already set in stone images of someone or something is, and more likely than not, those assumptions are not at all what is being presented. For me, it is easier to just paint a not picture of someone with what little details that I have of them and use that to define what I don't know. As harsh as that sounds, it helps me from opening up to someone who I think would just reject or dismiss me. and sometimes, it sucks to know that the reason why I feel like people don't feel like coming up to me or befriending me is that I'm being judged when it is really me building a wall to keep myself from going out.

I am the only who is holding myself back when it comes getting to know people, and letting them be a part of my life. I blame the push back on those who have hurt me before. There have been a million times over when I have heard "Just because they hurt you doesn't mean that you should hold that against the next person." I, myself, have said that countless time to friends who worry about their s/o. It's hardest to take the most common and simplest advice. 

Some of the best people I have ever gotten to know, I have had no intention of even getting to know them, let alone bond and connect the way I have. All these people who I, for whatever reason keep myself away from, might have never let change my life if I actually listened to myself. I know that I am the one at the end of the day who stops the connection from happening and keeps me in my comfort zone. 

Sometimes my own comfort zone is soft and cushy but other times it can be cold and dark, but I am even more scared of what is beyond to see if there are other places out there that could possibly be better. I even bully myself into submission and let my mind be swayed by my own mind. When it comes to excludes others or trying new things, I honestly want to be out there and discover everything that this world has to offer, but there's that other side of me that prohibits that. Those are the parts that despite what is going on will carry themselves into the situation and decide that this isn't for me, even if it wasn't even that long of an experience in the first place. 

This whole "doing change" thing is a way to shed that aspect from my personality, I guess. I want to be able to experience life without a rope tugging me back. It just sucks to be tugged back and see that it was just me pulling my own rope this whole time. 

I can analyze myself all I want, but honestly, I don't know. All I know is that I want to be out there allowing myself to love and to be loved.

Sincerely Me,

(without judgment) Love Layla Drew