It's no shocker that I am kind of obsessed with the whole concept of discovering myself and being the best version of that, hence the title... But, I focus a lot on the mainly on the personality part of it. That is a good place to start but that is only part of it. I want to become a better person and I am seriously trying every day, but since I've started this journey, there has been something missing. I know that no matter how hard I try or how much progress I've made, something always seems to set me back. No clue what this is, I looked back at a list of changes I wanted to make about myself and who I wanted to be as a person. I have been making progress in a lot of these areas and just think that I haven't, but more than that, I haven't been working on all of them. I have been working only on the ones that were more important or required work when really everything that I am striving towards required just as much time, energy and love as the next.
There is one area I am talking about. This area is the one about my health, more specifically my physical health. Now it is no secret that I am on the bigger size when it comes to my weight. That is actually underestimating that last statement. I am also sure that I am a lot bigger than what I actually am, but when you look at how much weight I have actually gained just in the past two years, it makes me want to cry.
I used to be fit and thinner. I loved my body and on most days I still do. I was healthy that when I would go in for check-ups, my doctors would comment how toned my legs looked. To go from that to now being scared to go see a doctor because I am so scared to hear what I already know.
The time when I was in shape was honestly a hard time for me. I was a lot of things; thinner, in shape, fit, and so on, but I would never describe myself as healthy. It wasn't for a long time that I was like that though, and I honestly thank God for that. I was so desperate to fit into this petite-sized world and to meet the expectations of those around me. I wanted to make my dad, boyfriend at the time, and team proud to have me. I wanted to be what a teenage girl was supposed to look like. So yes, I did work out, but to the extreme, constantly killing myself to push harder. I don't remember ever changing my diet, but I do remember throwing it all back up as soon as I got. It was the hardest thing I ever made myself do. I can remember going to this pizza place with this a team I was on at the time and shoving slices in my mouth, hoping no one even noticed me eating. Then after going to the bathroom, I still feel the shame I had after letting that grease touch my fingers, making sure no one else was in there, and I would do what I have done so many times before then. Once that was done I would wipe away the tears and whatever remained from my mouth, I would look in the mirror and think it was all worth it. "Look how flat my stomach looks!" I even got compliments that day on how much weight I lost over the summer from a teammate. And in those moments it was completely worth it. I would take most of my selfies after those purging sessions, no one would know what horrible thing I just did before, if I spent an especially long time in a public bathroom I would make sure to post a picture to make them think I was just posing for countless pictures, when really it would be the only one I took. I overthought a lot during this time, I made sure that no matter what happened, no one would ever find out or see me like that.
And no one ever did. People never knew why my weight changed like crazy until I was having such a hard time trying to losing weight with what I call "the right way." I was getting so frustrated not seeing any results. I was getting nowhere. I looked the same, weighed the same, and honestly felt worse. I eventually I had to confide to a friend, who looking back was zero help. But after opening up I decided to look more into what I was doing and more importantly, why.
As someone who has struggled with their weight for as long as they can remember, I can say that it is so damn hard to stop hating yourself for the fact that my body doesn't look like everyone else's, but getting myself to stop purging and binging, was a really good thing I did. Although sometimes I do feel so weak I do want to go back to my old ways, I somehow keep myself from going back.
I have gone through a lot when it comes to dealing with my weight and health. From early childhood to now, I have so many memories that I only associate with me being fat and how much I hate it. So when it comes to me being the best version of myself, I know that I need to really look at my weight. Not for the fact to fit into smaller size jeans, but so that I can be okay with me. I have been panicking so much lately thinking about how bad I have been treating my body. This body is my home and I have no been up keeping it to nearly the extent that is needed.
Mentally I am not okay with how I am, and I need to really pay attention to that.
So yeah, this was more of a way for me to let everything I have been feeling lately more than me reaching out.
(which looking at how many people see these posts probably won't happen)
Sincerely Me,
(through thick and thin) Love Layla Drew.