Sunday, January 17, 2021

can you tell i had a bad day

It's on days like today that I just want to shut off. I want everything in the world to forget about me, just for a moment. I want there to be nothing wait for me, I want no responsibily, I want no one checking in on me. I just want to be. 

Unfortunately, that's not the way the world works. It doesn't stop for anyone. I just want to shut my self away. The little things become unbarable and the little words said take a bigger affect on me than I'd like to have. One "bad" interaction and I am in bed under the covers, hoping everything fades away. 

The world doesnt stop for anyone. It doesn't play favorites. Unless you have everything the world wants. And I have nothing it wants, or needs or even mentions. I am just a soul put here to help the cycle. There's nothing I can do. 

It's on days like today I realize that I don't have what it takes to be that "different" that people love. There's nothing about me that gives off that "spark". I am hopelessly meant to be the consumer and bottom level.

One of my saddest nightmares is that I will forever be stuck in an endlless cycle of never being good enough. I am afraid of being every middle-aged man going nowhere troup but never getting the girl. I'm afraid of always being the same. I try to work against it, and I have seen a difference, but yet it doesnt feel enough. 

I'm stuck in this gray feeling.

I don't know how to get out. 

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