fishbowl full of memories.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my friend asked my crush to Sadies. Naturally, my hormonal, depressive self was devastated. I refused to go out of heartbreak. I felt that everyone went, and I was the only one who didn't. Which looking back, that isn't far from the truth, everyone in my friend group went, my younger brother even went. I was just left alone at home, looking at the pictures people posted and shared with me. I cried that night, and I cried a lot. I do believe that I did cry myself a river.

all the things i want to be when i grow up

when i grow up i want to be a writer
someone who can write stories that connect to the soul

keeping it going

It's time for a recap!

Where am I in my life right now? Currently stressed, but honestly so blessed to be able to have this kind of stress on my shoulders. I am taking the maximum amount of hours possible for a semester and this was by accident. But it's super chill cuz I can totally keep my head above water.

Or so I am telling myself!

finally i did something

For so long I have been looking at blank pages and feeling the intimidation of what I could never accomplish. I know I have been holding myself back with all these "what if's," I'm done with telling myself I can't do a good enough job. Here I am to say that I can do good, that what I create is valid. I am here to show the world the mess that I can make. There is something beautiful in allowing the soul to proceed as it will.

if i keep turning a new leaf, i'm gonna run out of leaves

I constantly tell myself pep talks, convince myself to get into some new habit or to pursue "something I've always wanted to," but it gets to the point of running in so many directions at once that results are noticeable. There aren't any. I have to stop restarting myself and my progress. I have to let myself to continue to make progress without and limit or minimums.

I have to let myself grow at the pace I am, not what I think I should. 

This one is going to be short but it's something. 

caring wayyyyy too much

Something has been eating at me lately and I can't keep this inside anymore. I know that at times I come off as confident and someone who knows who she is. But there is a truth that lies beyond the outward image I have presented.

I have something to say. 

I CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME!

There I said it.

needing something

There are a lot of things that I believe would do me good. The two main things that would affect me the most are creativity motivation. Think about that.

I can't even remember the last time I posted on here. (I know I can just look at the time stamps, but it's mainly for dramatic purposes.) There was a time when I felt like I was doing good. I was able to sit down and let words come out of my mind enough to create entire posts. Now I am sitting in the same spots, deciding to rearrange the whole function of my room just to avoid staring at a blank screen any longer. Is that bad?

turning unhealthy jealousy into an enthusiastic inspriation

It was only two days ago that Lexie Alford announced that she had officially become the youngest person to travel to every country in the world. This is such an amazing feat to have accomplished. Seeing what she has been able to accomplish, as someone who is only one year older than me is absolutely incredible and mindboggling. It is such a crazy thought that she was able to travel to every single country in the world. Think about that, every country in the world, that's 196 countries.

Looking at her Instagram profile it is so easy to admire everything she has set out to do, and it is even easier to be so jealous of it all.

morning pages revelation

On most days I sit down for 15 uninterrupted minutes and I write. I write three pages of longhand writing without any breaks. The things that I have discovered through it have been amazing. I have only been doing this officially since the end of January, and the pages have been poured over by emotion and thoughts that I did not think mattered to me anymore. 

While writing my pages today I came across a thought that I already knew was important but was neglecting. Now I need to take action. 

chopping away at my goals

enjoying a happy moment

here i am again

Well, hello. Yet again I have set such high expectations for myself and failed.

I honestly had a bit of a struggle when it came to everyday life. I felt so overwhelmed by everything I set out to do. I knew I overpacked my load but I thought I was able to handle it. I was very shocked at the results of this whole month. 

john fante wrote this for me

what am i gonna write about?

This has been my number one thought for the past week. I have been wanting to write and get all of my juices flowing before April, but I just end up with a blanker than usual paper. I feel like I have the ideas but when it actually comes to me sitting at my desk, I just end up focusing on everything else in the room. I know that this next month is going to demand a lot of me creatively and I am trying to get into the hang of things before I push myself off the deep end into it.

The things I am going to be creating in my ideal world are basic school work to begin with, then I want to keep on posting here, I want to make more videos on YouTube, and LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF POETRY! I am so excited, but also feeling overwhelmed...

working on my "brand"

In today's world, everyone is trying to promote themselves and create an idea around them [I am plenty guilty of this too]. There are so many ways to have the world look at you, you can be honest and vulnerable or you can be surface level and paint a pretty picture of what your world looks like. I prefer the first, but if you have any experience with the internet, you know that there is an abundance of the second option. Personally, I want to be the first. I want to let my heart and my emotions show.

I have an idea of what I want it to be: intention. Just a simple word.

i just realized how crazy next month is going to be

I have so many crazy plans for myself, no clue how I am going to do them but I know that I am going to do them!!

Here's a little run down:

• write a poem every day in April
• starting a new [old] job
• finalizing other works that I finished last December
• basically getting my life back together in general 

Let's just focus on the first thing! [write a poem every day of April]

new blog, new me

So, this is not going to be a big deal to anyone but me, but still is a change! The name of this blog was "Best Version of Myself." I called it that because this was supposed to be a way for me to get to the best version of myself. It's pretty self-explanatory, and that's what I wanted. I wanted this blog to be a constant reminder of what I am going for in life. I really do want to be the best version of me to exist, and I am always running to that person, but I feel like that title is not what I want this blog to be.

I feel like I went from having this image of myself in my head of who I want to be. I have always had an idea of what I want to become and that is always been ever changing, but recently my view of that has had a drastic change. I was trying so hard to run to that idea, that daydream of what I should be. I was running so hard that I ended up bumping into every wall possible. I was hurting myself more than I was helping myself. I wanted to change that all.

on wednesday we wear ashes

This is something that I used to say to all of my friends on Ash Wednesday at school. It was a very popular saying around my Catholic high school campus. It was funny and we all thought we were clever.

Ash Wednesday has always been a very special time for me. This is always a time for me to reflect internally and to do some changes externally. I always want this time to be the time for me to really focus on my relationship with God, others and myself. I know, it's a lot, but it's been something that I work towards every year. I remember when I was in high school what I used to do was pick forty people and write them all a letter. I would pick a day for them and celebrate our relationship together. It was always a fun time to really appreciate the people in my life.

plans for this blog [and myself]

I made this blog so that I can have somewhere to document my personal growth and to finally have a platform where I can expose my writing with the world. Now, do I expect to become a famous writer off of this, not really. Honestly, just having somebody read my posts and tell me that they liked what I wrote and felt something while reading, my life has a purpose with that sentence. There is honestly no feeling like it and I honestly love it so much.

When I look out on this great land of the internet, there is so much that I want to not only explore but conquer. I know I haven't even taken over the blogging world, but I still want to go out and do everything! I know I might become a jack of all trades and master of none... Hopefully, that doesn't happen, but still, it is an option that I am willing to take in order to try something new out.

i dont know what to call this

in case you didn't know, i also make content on youtube

 

yesterday i bought a notebook

Yesterday for some reason I bought a light green spiral notebook. I have a few at home already and swore to myself that I would not buy any more until I ran out of what I have [I kind of have a problem]. For some reason when I saw it, I thought of all of the poems I could write in there, which is kind of funny because I have not written a poem in a little while, let alone dedicate an entire notebook to it. 

I saw it in the school bookstore. I was sad and hungry, I bought myself a sandwich and some chips. The sandwich was for the hunger and the chips were for the sadness. As I was in the check out line, my eye was caught by all of the notebooks that were being draped from hooks, I thought about getting one, but I knew not to. I glanced over the dark blue and bold red covers when all of a sudden I see a not another basic primary color but one that sticks out to me is alike, almost pastel green. It reminds of the fake flowers I see at work and that have the little pops of lavender spring out of it.