the end of the end

Tomorrow is the last day of the year, and if I am going to be honest, I have been obsessing over this for the past month. I am amped and I am feeling determined. I have been working on my goal book and still confused on how I am going to be able to use the book on a day to day basis. BUT I am really open to how to do that. I am just thinking of looking back into the book once a week.

Anyway, the end of the year is here and it has taken so long for me to write this one post it might be the end of next year by the time I finish this. So here I go!

when you get inspiration you've got to run with it

Here I am at my desk with a blanket over my legs, feeling like a comfy old man, and loving this feeling. A few moments ago I got the urge to do something creative. I didn't know what to do, so I opened up my journal and pulled out some markers and let some creativity plop onto the pages, felt great, but I still wanted to do more, so I did something very scary and that was to film myself and post it on YouTube. I can't believe that I even posted that... But hey I did it, no going back now.

My point is that if I would have just ignored that feeling, I would have empty boring pages but now I have some cool pages that I am truly proud of, and instead of saying that I want to post a video on YouTube, I can now say that I have posted a video on YouTube. I think that is freaking awesome!!

fresh new start

I have never really been a huge fan of new year's resolutions or the whole "new year, new me" concepts. I never really seen the point in these things. Honestly to me, they were a joke, nobody every really follows them or even thinks about them past February.

I am someone who actually loves to make goals and will pass or fail no matter what the time of year is. I honest to God think that people who go out of their way to declare their goals and all of the changes they are going to making in their lives. Every time I hear someone or see a post say "NEW YEAR NEW ME, JUST YOU WATCH, I'M GONNA BE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON!!" okay, cool, but how? There never really is an answer to these question because there is just the fantasy behind it.

oh my, the year is almost over

Wow, can you believe it? The year is already going to be over. With a new year comes new beginnings! And boy, oh boy, am I excited! I have some great plans and goals for myself and even this blog.

I just want to get something out of the way: I don't like or believe in "New Year's Resolutions," I think that the stigma behind them have a huge effect on the results of the resolution itself. The whole point of having these resolutions is the change your life. It is supposed to be a major goal that you focus on for the year and it hopefully changes your life. Most people don't make it past week two. When I make a goal for myself I want to go through with it. I don't want to just start something, I need to finish it and see it through.

back to who i used to be

Talking to a friend yesterday really opened my eyes to a huge way my life has changed.

I can remember waking up so energetic and early, I would wake up and exercise and make myself smoothies, and just being ready for the day. But now things are different. Everything was good and crazy but that was how I liked it.

I would wake up at 6 am and go on a jog and come back home, take a shower and make myself a smoothie (smoothies were my life!!!!), and sing along to music and get ready for whatever was gonna happen that day. I used to love my morning time.

where have i been

I feel that when it comes to writing I have been left in a drought. Partly because of the lack of water and inspiration and also because I don't let the inspiration come in. I feel like sometimes the I am the block that is causing the writer's block. There are sprinkles of words that make it through the cracks, and instead of running to the droplets for whatever quench I can get for my thirst. But what has been happening is that I have just been sitting there in front of the drops watching them fall and then evaporate into the air.

I don't know when I began to neglect the thoughts that came to me. Even the ones that destroyed me still had a way to make it out onto the paper, but now, even when I think of that word or phrase and let it disappear and let it slowly melt away like an ice cube in my hand.

what scared me this week

Every day I try to do one thing a day that scares me. These things could be big, these things could be small, that doesn't really matter, all that does is that I am trying to push myself to live every day.

I am dedicating myself to post on Sundays what I did to keep good to my promise. I have made this promise to myself a little while ago and thought about posting stuff for it but never did. I guess might as well do it now.

Here's what scared me this week:

it feels pointless, but means everything.

So, something that is on a bucket list of things to do before I turn 20 is to write a 50,000 word novel. This has proven to be such a challenge. I started it what feels like so long ago, and have been putting it off so much.

Just a disclaimer, that it is not done, not even close.

working towards your goal

Earlier today I was looking through my Pinterest feed and found a list called "30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself." I immediately needed to check it out. I read through the list and even the blog post. I really liked it and really thought about each of the things they listed.

I feel like I do, or at least have started doing a lot of these things recently. With me working towards this "new me," I honestly feel ahead of the game when it comes to starting new things. As I read and re-read and absorbed the article I kept thinking, am I really doing these things? Have I really been consciously making an effort to do all of these? And for the most part, I say yes I have. Even now as I'm reading the list, I am thinking of examples and ways that I have been incorporating into my life. 

this has been WEIGHING on me a lot lately

It's no shocker that I am kind of obsessed with the whole concept of discovering myself and being the best version of that, hence the title... But, I focus a lot on the mainly on the personality part of it. That is a good place to start but that is only part of it. I want to become a better person and I am seriously trying every day, but since I've started this journey, there has been something missing. I know that no matter how hard I try or how much progress I've made, something always seems to set me back. No clue what this is, I looked back at a list of changes I wanted to make about myself and who I wanted to be as a person. I have been making progress in a lot of these areas and just think that I haven't, but more than that, I haven't been working on all of them. I have been working only on the ones that were more important or required work when really everything that I am striving towards required just as much time, energy and love as the next.

There is one area I am talking about. This area is the one about my health, more specifically my physical health. Now it is no secret that I am on the bigger size when it comes to my weight. That is actually underestimating that last statement. I am also sure that I am a lot bigger than what I actually am, but when you look at how much weight I have actually gained just in the past two years, it makes me want to cry.

how judgement held me back

I am very guilty of having already set in stone images of someone or something is, and more likely than not, those assumptions are not at all what is being presented. For me, it is easier to just paint a not picture of someone with what little details that I have of them and use that to define what I don't know. As harsh as that sounds, it helps me from opening up to someone who I think would just reject or dismiss me. and sometimes, it sucks to know that the reason why I feel like people don't feel like coming up to me or befriending me is that I'm being judged when it is really me building a wall to keep myself from going out.

I am the only who is holding myself back when it comes getting to know people, and letting them be a part of my life. I blame the push back on those who have hurt me before. There have been a million times over when I have heard "Just because they hurt you doesn't mean that you should hold that against the next person." I, myself, have said that countless time to friends who worry about their s/o. It's hardest to take the most common and simplest advice. 

doing change

This new thing that I am getting myself to do it CHANGE. Not the kind of changes that life hands you, which I have been experiencing for the past few years, but instead the ones I force myself to do.

The many changes I have gone through have all shaped me into who I am today, and I am very grateful for each and every one of them. Even the ones that hurt and scarred me, I still count them as blessings. Every event that I have felt like I was dragged through and forced to endure all feels like it was something that I had to go through. And despite the pain I felt, I now see it as a covered up blessing.

I don't get myself sometimes

I constantly set these plans up and really go all out for these ideas, but then forget about the motivation that sparked it all in the first place. I think it's both funny and ridiculous at the same time.

It's funny because I get so crazy into the idea of something and obsess over this new idea. I will research it, find out what I have to do to achieve this goal, I'll even set a plan for it, but for some reason, I never go through with the plan. I will just forget to do it one day and the whole thing falls apart. I don't know why this happens. this is nothing new to me though. My entire life I have hooked on things and loved what I do, but then I hit some sort of speedbump, and no matter how minimal it may be, everything is thrown off and destroyed.

Just Me

This is a poem I write about (maybe over) a year ago. I feel really proud of it. This is a poem I wrote about coming out, which I never did but tried to connect to that struggle. I hope I did some justice to this amazing process. 

Why is this a thing?
Why does it have to be a secret discovered?
Why does it have to be a label I place on myself?
Why does this have to be such a big deal?

Today I swear to....

Today I swear to not stop myself.

Today I swear to put my feet ahead of where I know where I am going.

Today I swear to let my mind wander as much as it pleases to.

Today I swear to not only read the words but let them seep into my soul.